Can You Lose Custody for Not Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting after a divorce or separation is tough, but it’s vital for your children’s well-being. Colorado courts expect parents to work together for their children’s best interests. While uncooperative co-parents are directing their unresolved feelings at their ex, they’re hurting their children the most. This article explores what can happen if you’re not meeting your responsibilities, including whether you can lose custody for not co-parenting.

In this Article:

• The Importance of Co-Parenting
• How Bad Co-Parenting Affects a Custody Case
• Addressing Co-Parenting Problems

The Importance of Co-Parenting 

Family courts would like parents living apart to set aside differences and work together to raise their children. Ideally, parents will provide a strong foundation by agreeing on important matters like education and daily house rules. They’ll back each other up on parenting choices and attend their children’s events without bickering.

Sadly, it doesn’t always work this way.

Whether you’re divorcing, separating, or moving on from your partner, the co-parent struggle is real. Animosity can easily turn co-parenting into another battlefield.

Bad Co-Parenting Hurts Your Children 

Few situations are more frustrating than dealing with an uncooperative parent. Colorado courts generally do not use the phrase “joint custody.” Instead, we talk about parenting time and decision-making. If you have joint decision-making for major decisions, this requires a certain amount of mutual respect and coordination. Without these, it’s difficult to adapt to changes, or even address major decisions concerning education  or healthcare.

The inconvenience isn’t the worst of it. Your children see, hear, and feel the toxic vibes in their parents’ relationship. This can have short- and long-term psychological consequences for the children. Your kids naturally become preoccupied with the strain between you and your ex, which can lead to:

• excessive worrying over matters best left to adults
• academic problems due to stress from family conflict
• feeling they must emotionally support their parents
• behavioral problems and other forms of acting out so they can cope
• lifelong psychological problems

In the long term, poor co-parenting can hinder your child’s ability to form healthy relationships, potentially perpetuating the cycle.

Examples of Uncooperative Co-Parenting 

• One co-parent refuses to communicate
• Either the mother or the father refuses to return the child after visitation
• One parent uses co-parenting to spy on or retaliate against the other
• One parent withholds important information about the child’s well-being or activities

These are a few examples. I’ll discuss them and several more later. Unfortunately, there are times when one parent causes most of the problems that make co-parenting impossible.  When the situation becomes that bad, many parents wonder: can you lose custody for not co-parenting?

How Bad Co-Parenting Affects a Custody Case 

You love your children, but you and the other party can’t agree on a parenting plan. The court will now decide.

Co-parenting while emotions run high might make you grit your teeth, but you do your best. You hope the other parent will do likewise. The court is required by law to assess each parent’s ability to encourage the children’s bond with the other parent and put their needs first. — Colorado Revised Statutes 14-10-124 (1.5) 

Refusal to co-parent is not an option if you want your custody situation to remain status quo. If the other party shows disrespect toward you as a co-parent, it can hurt them during custody proceedings and even after final orders.

Common Types of Bad Co-Parenting

There are many kinds of bad co-parenting to discuss. I am breaking them up into four categories:

• Refusing to Co-Parent
• Pursuing Payback
• Using Negative Talk
• Putting the Children in the Middle

Refusing to Co-Parent 

Colorado courts can award more parenting time and decision-making to the more cooperative parent when an ex refuses to co-parent with them. A classic form of “counterparenting” is to disobey court orders and refuse to share decision-making about big matters, such as:

• Medical: changing doctors or starting major, non-emergency treatments
• Education: enrolling the child(ren) in a new school
• Activities: registering children in new after-school activities
• Appearance: allowing significant alterations, such as tattoos, piercings, and haircuts

Withholding Information 

This is equally as bad as — and often goes hand-in-hand with — refusing to share decision-making authority. A co-parent not communicating keeps you in the dark about important matters. Worse, he or she may then try and use your lack of knowledge to argue that you’re not involved. You should not have to pointedly ask for information the court requires co-parents to share.

Pursuing ‘Payback’ Instead of Co-Parenting 

Hard feelings during a separation, divorce, or allocation of parental responsibilities case can make some parents stoop quite low. Vindictive behavior includes:

• Disregarding the parenting schedule by showing up late to pick-ups and drop-offs
• Denying parenting time because the other parent could not pay child support or paid late
• Knowingly falsifying reports to the police or DHS (Department of Human Services)
• Using interviews, videos, and photos of the children to accuse you or abuse or neglect

Taking Child Abuse Seriously 

Of course, child abuse or neglect is a serious matter. A parent who is genuinely concerned should consult their attorney. Unfortunately, some co-parents use “evidence collecting” tactics to intimidate the other parent and frighten the children. This is a betrayal of trust and can backfire on the offending parent in serious ways.

Using Negative Talk 

Parents’ words help shape their child’s inner voice. Hurtful language can leave lasting echoes and cause long-term damage. Choose your words carefully, especially around your kids. The court will take language into consideration in a custody matter, especially when your co-parent:

• Frequently uses insulting or disparaging terms toward you in front of the children
• Cannot refrain from trying to humiliate you in emails, social media posts, or text messages
• Badmouths you when the kids are present

Courts Can Take Action 

One of the key “best interest” factors the court considers is whether co-parents can “encourage the love, affection, and contact between the child and the other party.” — Colorado Revised Statute 10-14-124 (1.5)

In other words, Colorado courts take parental language quite seriously. For example, foul language directed at the children can be considered child abuse. Hurtful, maligning language about the co-parent heard by the children harms not only the child’s relationship with his/her parent, but also the child itself.

Putting the Children in the Middle

This is, unfortunately, an all-too common form of bad co-parent behavior. The parent uses his or her time with the children to manipulate you or gain an advantage with the court. They may also make the children their “messengers” in a passive-aggressive ploy to avoid contacting you.

Similar behavior includes:

• Interrogating the kids about your activities, new relationships, or living situation
• Encouraging them to spy on you to gain information to use against you
• Talking to the kids about ongoing court proceedings which involve them
• Asking the children which parent they’d rather live with.

Addressing Co-Parenting Problems 

If you don’t have parenting orders, the court will likely address co-parenting during a final or temporary orders hearing. This is where parenting time and decision-making responsibilities are decided. A lawyer can be an invaluable help to you during this process.

Often, issues come up after you’ve been to court. For example, you might wonder what to do when the co-parent won’t communicate. For this, you may need to file a motion for Contempt, or to enforce your parenting time.This is a way of telling the court about any problems you’re having. A motion can be helpful if:

• you’re not getting your parenting time
• the co-parent has stopped communicating
• the other parent relocated to a new area with your child, without your permission or a court order

Addressing Domestic Violence and Child Abuse 

Recent changes to Colorado law place greater emphasis on domestic violence and child abuse in custody cases. In 2024, a new law passed which aims to provide better protection to children, by:

• Requiring more training for judges and  experts on domestic violence and abuse
• Recognizing and defining “coercive control”
• Ensuring court appointed experts are qualified to investigate cases where abuse is present

Protecting children is essential, but the law could have unintended consequences. It could allow some parents to make false accusations for custody advantages, which could violate the accused parent’s rights by restricting their parenting time based on unproven allegations.

Understand that even unproven allegations against you can affect your case. Our legal team can help you confront this.

What You Can Do About a Bad Co-Parent

Dealing with a hostile or uncooperative co-parent is incredibly difficult. The last thing you want is to let them “dirty you up” by getting drawn into tit-for-tat exchanges.

Here are key strategies:

1. Focus on the children: Keep their well-being as your top priority and do not let the co-parent distract you.
2. Set clear boundaries: Establish and maintain healthy limits in your interactions with the co-parent.
3. Communicate effectively: Be concise, factual, and avoid emotional language.
4. Document everything: Keep records of agreements and interactions, down to the date and time, if you can.
5. Use a neutral third party if needed: Consider mediation or co-parenting counseling.
6. Stay consistent: Avoid making promises you’re not sure you can keep, and follow through on commitments and agreed-upon plans.
7. Practice self-care: Without retaliating, find ways to manage your stress and emotions to stay level-headed.
8. Mum’s the word: Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent to your children.
9. Accommodate reasonable requests: Be flexible with the other parent when possible, but stand firm on important issues.
10. Consult your lawyer: Seek legal advice if necessary, especially if agreements are consistently violated.

Your lawyer can help with legal remedies such as filing for contempt of court against the bad co-parent. Those can take time. In the meantime, it’s important that you always maintain the high ground.

Modifying Parenting Orders 

Your children’s needs change as they grow. What works for your toddler may not work for your pre-teen. Your parenting plan may need to change with your kid. Many parents file post-decree modification motions to adapt to these changes.

Consult an attorney when crucial decisions stall or problems emerge at the other parent’s home. It could be time to file a motion to modify, or to even restrict parenting time, if necessary.

Got Child Custody Questions? We Have the Answers

If you’re in a tough co-parenting situation, our experienced family law attorneys can help. Don’t lose sleep wondering can you lose custody for not co-parenting. Contact us at 303-688-0944 for a caring case assessment. We can provide guidance while protecting your parental rights and your children’s best interests.