Father Wins Joint Custody in Contentious Divorce From Narcissistic Mother

“From Our Perspective” is an ongoing R&H series examining successful case outcomes. In this episode, Family Law Senior Associate Kelly Snodgrass discusses a contentious divorce case she and R&H Partner Andrew Hug worked on. Kelly delves into the psychological abuse a young father experienced and how she helped him win joint custody.

Past results afford no guarantee of future results; each matter is different and must be judged on its own merits. Facts are those of an actual Robinson & Henry family law case. 

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that can result in victims questioning their sense of reality. As family law attorneys, we encounter clients whose spouses have deliberately disoriented, belittled, and humiliated them to assert control. 

It can take clients years to recognize the situation for what it is: Psychological abuse. However, having a child with an abusive spouse can serve as a reality check for victims. After all, no one wants their child used as a pawn in an elaborate game of marital chess. 

This scenario was familiar to one of our clients – a relatively new father whose wife would play mind games with him, using their toddler as leverage. Once our client caught onto the patterns in his wife’s behavior, he began documenting the abuse. 

Of grave concern to our client was how far his wife would go to keep him away from their son, even while the family still lived in the same home. Micromanaging our client’s interactions with his child devolved into his wife sequestering herself in different parts of their home. During these fraught periods of self-imposed sequestration, she always kept the toddler with her. 

His wife’s abuse took an emotional toll, escalating to the point where our client was afraid to spend any time at all with his child. Recognizing it was time to seek legal services, he turned to Robinson & Henry for support.

Our client’s written accounts of the abuse proved instrumental in helping him achieve equal parenting time as an outcome of his divorce. By demonstrating the depths of his wife’s manipulation, our family law team was able to negotiate a comprehensive settlement, including the property division she contested every step of the way. 

Now that our client has the law on his side, he can focus on his child and start healing from his ex-wife’s manipulative mind games. 

Read this video’s full transcript:

Question: Kelly, thank you so much for joining me today. Tell me more about our client and why he reached out. 

Kelly: This client was going through a dissolution of marriage. They had one child, and mom was a real gatekeeper and causing a lot of problems, had a lot of control and manipulation issues going on. 

She had left and taken their child with her and was not letting him see his child. It was a very high conflict case with a lot of issues, and a lot of psychological issues to manage as well as protecting the interests of the child.

Question: What were some of those examples of the manipulation and control that our client was experiencing?

Kelly: When she didn't get what she wanted from dad, she would destroy property. She took money out of the bank accounts. She was intercepting funds and attempting to control him financially. But additionally making allegations against dad in terms of his ability to care for the child. 

Question: What was your legal strategy in this case? 

Kelly: It was multifold. In this case, the attorney on the other side was actually fairly cooperative to work with and also understood the potential impact to the child of this level of conflict.

A lot of communication with my client, making sure my client was informing me when things were going on so that I could try to meet them head on before they got worse.

Another really important piece of the strategy in this case was getting experts involved. An independent third party investigator to look at mom's side of the story, look at dad's side of the story, talk to other people that are involved and have some perspective on things and really give an opinion and write a report about what's going on and what they recommend and see as what's going to be in the best interest of the child.

Question: Ultimately, what was the outcome of this case?

Kelly: The ultimate outcome was equal parenting time, and a schedule that also allowed dad to be making decisions for the child that he felt were best, and mom making decisions for the child that she thought were best.

Question: If someone is watching and they are in a similar situation, what advice would you give? 

Kelly: In general, my first piece of advice is to get a parenting app and communicate only with the other parent via a parenting app because then everything is recorded and you are able to present that information to the court.

The second piece, which also feeds into the parenting app, is I help give my client tools about responding or not responding, taking time before you respond because almost always one party knows how to push the other party’s buttons and it ends up really ineffective.

If they can take a step back and try to implement some of the tools we talk about and how they respond, it can be more effective in disarming a power and control dynamic.

And the third part is probably frustrating to hear, but they're playing a long game. The court does not have the ability to hear every kind of issue very urgently. The only time it does is if there is an imminent danger to a child.

If you keep in mind that you're going to have a period of time before you get results is going to help manage your expectations and your emotional response to what's going on in a really frustrating situation.