Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist
Divorce is hard enough. Often overlooked is how who you’re divorcing can determine how much turmoil you’ll endure before the judge signs the final decree. If you’re leaving someone with a narcissistic personality, you’ve hit the misery jackpot. The traits that made your ex-spouse difficult to live with will make them a treacherous adversary during a divorce. Strengthen yourself with these incredibly helpful tips for divorcing a narcissist.
What You’re Up Against: Understanding the Narcissist
What do cult leaders, dictators, and obnoxious celebrities all have in common? Narcissism.
A narcissist is someone so self-involved that they ignore the needs and merits of others. A narcissist has an inflated sense of their own importance and a primal need for adoration and power. Their inability to submit to empathy, criticism, or even reality leads to destructive patterns of behavior once the narcissist’s grandiosity is called into question.
Now you’re divorcing one.
“While [narcissists] seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good.” — M. Scott Peck, People of the Lie
Divorcing a Narcissist
Modern psychology recognizes two types of persons with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD:
Vulnerable:
This person’s narcissism is rooted in poor self-esteem, even as they appear to be outwardly confident and overbearing. They are thin-skinned, petty, and vindictive when slighted, but they can be calmed with sufficient ego stroking.
Grandiose:
This person exhibits egotistical, entitled behavior because they believe they truly are better than others. This narcissist’s unreasonable expectations of power and admiration make them manipulative, exploitative, and cruel.
Unfortunately, both types of narcissists lack empathy, and neither will be cooperative during a divorce.
Even when a narcissist is a spouse who wants a divorce, going through a divorce excites their savage need to win at any cost while painting the other spouse as the villain or the loser.
Getting out of a marriage to a narcissist tends to be ugly, expensive, and both physically and emotionally exhausting. So, heed the following tips and always keep your eyes on the prize — never again have to live under the narcissist’s control.
Tip 1: Expect a Fight when Divorcing a Narcissist
If you thought the hard part was working up the nerve to leave, think again.
Many couples hobble into divorce proceedings hoping to reach an amicable settlement. That’s the first and possibly worst mistake you can make when divorcing a narcissist. It’s an easy misstep because the narcissist will use this opportunity to turn on the charm and lure you into “negotiations” just to feel you out and take advantage.
Resign yourself to the fact that your divorce will likely end up in court. Also, understand that your spouse is not going to be reasonable, so limit interactions with them as much as you can.
Your Pre-Divorce Scouting Report
Keep three points in mind as you enter divorce proceedings against a narcissistic spouse determined to punish, defeat, and humiliate you:
Nothing’s Off Limits:
The narcissist’s ultimate goal is to be proven right, and they’ll go to extraordinary lengths, even if it means lying on sworn documents, hurting the people you care about, or dragging the children into it.
Obstruction:
They will file endless motions and cause as many delays as they can to drag the process out, get under your skin, and weaken your resolve.
Squeeze You Dry:
They will run up your legal bills, further testing your resolve while punishing you for wanting out of the marriage.
Because of these three points, which are nearly universal in divorce cases involving narcissistic spouses, it’s extra important to follow the next tip.
Tip 2: Plan in Advance
Don’t just expect a fight. Prepare for it in advance so that you’re able to ride out the storm over the grueling months ahead. If divorce proceedings are already underway, then do the best you can. But if you haven’t left or filed for divorce yet, here are some things you can do to strengthen your hand.
Gather Your Support Team Early
Do not underestimate the charms of the narcissist you once married and now are divorcing. Once you separate and your mutual friends must invariably pick a side, the narcissist won’t waste any time turning them against you. The narcissistic spouse will play the victim, lie, exaggerate, and twist the truth to weaken your relationships with friends and family you ordinarily would count on for support.
That means you have to get to your family and friends first — but only the ones you wouldn’t reasonably expect to choose the other spouse over you. You don’t want to tip them off if you haven’t filed for divorce yet.
Back up Important Assets and Documents
Some pre-divorce reconnaissance can go a long way toward limiting the damage the narcissist will try to inflict.
Make copies, or snap pictures, of all assets and important documents. This way you’ll have proof if certain assets or papers go missing. Here are some of the important documents you’ll want to safeguard:
bank accounts (shared and sole)
real property deeds and documents
mortgages and lines of credit
tax returns, at least the past 3 years
insurance papers
recent pay stubs (yours and his)
vehicle registrations and titles
valuable antiques, art, jewelry, keepsakes
investment and retirement accounts
birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports
Tip 3: Take Care of Yourself
Maybe this advice sounds hokey, but we intend it to be quite serious.
Any divorce brings stress, exhaustion, and emotional upheaval. Divorcing a narcissist brings all that in addition to the daily reminders that this isn’t just a dissolution of marriage, but a petty, drawn-out war of attrition.
Maintain Your Physical Health
Get your sleep. Eat healthy foods. Exercise regularly. Also, be extremely cautious with your lifestyle choices during the divorce process. Drink less alcohol, stay away from drugs, and when you do go out to blow off steam, do your best to avoid unnecessary drama.
Poor lifestyle choices can make this time in your life harder, and your spouse will undoubtedly use any unflattering incidents against you.
Protect Your Mental Health
Hire a therapist and attend regular counseling sessions. This is good advice for anyone going through a divorce, but it might as well be mandatory for anyone divorcing a narcissist, a process that can make every day feel heavier.
A therapist can lighten the load by giving you a place to dump and sort the junk accumulating inside your mind. Even better, a therapist who has experience dealing with narcissistic personalities can provide insight and tactics that literally can save your sanity.
Tip 4: Pick Your Battles
Spend any amount of time in a marriage, and your spouse will know soon enough what your weaknesses are; what riles you up, what scares you, what you’re not good at, and even the most painful secrets you only shared with them.
In a divorce, these are just arrows in your narcissist’s quiver. They can be fired at random to unsettle you or saved for the moment in the proceedings when they’ll hit the mark and hurt the most.
Therefore …
Pick Your Battles Early
Once you file for divorce, identify your main objectives and don’t get sidetracked. You will be attacked and tempted to respond in kind over issues and accusations that don’t matter to your objectives. Write down the outcomes you’re willing to fight over and set your boundaries around them.
Stick to Your Objectives
Expect the attacks but don’t take the bait. If it helps, understand that not responding to obvious distractions will unsettle your adversary more than any rejoinder. Remember, the narcissist wants the drama. You want a divorce.
Tip 5: Document Everything
Here’s a rule of thumb for communicating while divorcing a narcissist: If they didn’t record it or put it in writing, they never said it.
That’s not your rule, but theirs. A narcissist has no problem lying. They see the truth as a malleable commodity they can bend to their convenience and delight in making you waste your time trying to rescue one truth while they stack up more lies.
This is a game to the narcissist. Don’t play it. Limit communication with your spouse to email and texts as much as possible, and don’t participate in interactions that cannot be documented.
When it’s time to go to court, your documents will trump the narcissist’s lies.
Tip 6: Use Your Spouse’s Narcissism Against Them
Just as a martial artist uses their opponent’s own weight against them, you can turn your spouse’s personality disorder to your advantage.
Give them Some Wins
If a narcissist has one dependable handicap, it’s the urge to coast on ‘triumphs’ that turn out to be meaningless. With a deft touch, you let the narcissist maneuver you into fights where you put up token resistance and grudgingly concede. The more often the narcissist feels the rush of such a ‘win,’ the more satisfied they become with the momentum, allowing the divorce to proceed more smoothly.
The key is to never give ground on your top objectives. Give the impression that they are winning all the big battles, and how you never realized they could dominate you like this while chuckling quietly to yourself.
Tip 7: Get a Formidable Divorce Attorney
The outcome of your divorce will have a lasting impact on nearly every part of your life going forward. This is no time to go bargain hunting.
More than 95 percent of divorces settle out of court to minimize damage and financial costs. Therefore, while it’s easy to find a lawyer to represent your interests, it might be harder to get the right one to take on a narcissist seeking to maximize damage and financial costs.
Don’t Hire a ‘Pit Bull’
You’re divorcing an entitled bully. You need a lawyer who can stand up to them, but you must resist the urge to hire a combative ‘pit bull.’
A narcissist craves drama and conflict. The last thing you need is an attorney who likes the drama just as much. He or she would play right into the narcissist’s hands, bogging down your divorce and costing more money than necessary.
Steady and Strong
Your best bet is a seasoned, no-nonsense attorney who will neither run from a fight nor create extra ones while you’re footing the bill. It is most helpful if the lawyer has faced narcissists in divorce court before and can effectively counter strategies of obstruction, distraction, dishonesty, and delay.
Beware of attorneys who don’t understand narcissism or who tell you you’re being paranoid. If you’re already stuck with one and worried about the potential outcome, you should consider replacing them.
The Right Divorce Attorney Means Peace of Mind
If you’re divorcing a person with strong narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder, they’re in it to win it, and they’ll do everything they can to game the system so you suffer. The experienced divorce attorneys at Robinson & Henry are in it for you. We know divorce is stressful and complex. That’s why we work tirelessly to achieve the outcome you deserve, no matter how difficult the other spouse tries to make it. We understand narcissism, and we know how to take it on. Call 303-688-0944 to begin your case assessment.
