Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist
Divorce is hard. When you’re divorcing a narcissistic spouse, the emotional and financial challenges can feel insurmountable. The undesirable, and maybe scary, traits your spouse displayed while you were together may be nothing compared to the cruel adversary you’re faced with during divorce proceedings. To stay at the top of your game, read our helpful tips for divorcing a narcissist.
What You’re Up Against: Understanding the Narcissist
What do cult leaders, dictators, and obnoxious celebrities all have in common? Narcissism.
A narcissist’s life revolves around themselves—at the expense of those around them. They exhibit a grandiose sense of self-importance, grave admiration, and believe they are superior to others. They lack empathy and do not have the ability to comprehend or care about the feelings and experiences of others, including their children. In your marriage, you might have tried to reason with them or appeal to their better nature, but during a divorce, those efforts will be futile.
Now you’re divorcing one.
“While [narcissists] seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good.” — M. Scott Peck, People of the Lie
Divorcing a Narcissist
Modern psychology distinguishes two types of narcissists:
Covert Narcissists: These individuals are more subtle in their narcissism, often presenting as shy, introverted, or self-deprecating while still harboring a sense of superiority and entitlement. They may play the victim to gain sympathy and manipulate others, using passive-aggressive tactics rather than overt displays of control.
Grandiose Narcissists: These are textbook narcissists—arrogant, entitled, and manipulative. They believe they’re better than everyone else, including you. Their behavior is typically exploitative and cruel.
Both types of narcissists share one common trait: they lack empathy and will not cooperate during a divorce. Even if your narcissistic spouse is the one initiating the divorce, expect them to portray you as the villain.
Divorcing a narcissist can be costly, emotionally draining, and protracted. To take care of yourself, keep the following tips in mind to emerge stronger.
Tip 1: Expect a Fight When Divorcing a Narcissist
If you think the hardest part was working up the courage to leave, think again. However, don’t let this discourage you.
Narcissists don’t engage in amicable negotiations. At their most “charming” or “reasonable state,” they’re still calculating how to manipulate the situation to their advantage and will try to lure you into unfavorable settlement agreements. Prepare yourself for a battle, and more than likely, a lengthy divorce that will likely end up in court. Limit contact with your narcissistic spouse as much as possible to minimize exposure to their manipulations and scare tactics.
Your Pre-Divorce Scouting Report
Keep three points in mind as you enter divorce proceedings against a narcissistic spouse determined to punish, defeat, and humiliate you:
Nothing is Off Limits: A narcissist will go to extraordinary measures to achieve a “win” in divorce proceedings, including involving your loved ones, lying on sworn documents, or using your children as pawns in the dispute.
Obstruction: Expect constant delays, endless motions, persistent accusations, and every effort to drag out the process.
Squeeze You Dry: Narcissists often use financial leverage to wear you down, running up legal costs and draining your resources.
These three points are nearly universal in divorce cases involving a narcissistic spouse, so it’s crucial to remember this next tip.
Tip 2: Plan in Advance
Don’t just brace for the fight—prepare for it. Preparation is key to weathering a divorce with a narcissist. If you’re already in the midst of the proceedings, make the most of your current situation by using the tips shared in this Article. If you haven’t filed yet, there are several proactive steps you can take to strengthen your case.
Gather Your Support Team Early
Your narcissistic spouse was charming enough to make you fall in love with them - do not underestimate this invaluable trait. Once you split, your mutual friends will inevitably pick a side, and your ex won’t waste any time convincing them to take their side. They will play the victim card, exaggerate, and spin the truth to weaken your relationships with your support network - including family.
This means, of course, that you need to speak to your friends and family first - but only the ones you can reasonably expect to choose you over your spouse. The last thing you want to do is tip off your ex too early by sharing the news with someone in their corner.
Back Up Important Assets and Documents
Some pre-divorce reconnaissance can go a long way toward limiting the damage the narcissist will try to inflict. Be sure to make copies and take photos of all assets and important documents. This will safeguard you against these items going “missing” once the divorce has been initiated. When doing so, remember to include these important documents:
Bank accounts (shared and sole)
Real property deeds and documents
Mortgages and lines of credit
Tax returns, at least the past 3 years
Insurance papers
Recent pay stubs (yours and his)
Vehicle registrations and titles
Valuable antiques, art, jewelry, keepsakes
Investment and retirement accounts
Birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports
Tip 3: Take Care of Yourself
This might sound repetitive, but we take self-care pretty seriously.
Any divorce brings stress, exhaustion, and emotional upheaval. Divorcing a narcissist not only amplifies these feelings but adds to the turmoil of petty, all-out warfare.
Maintain Your Physical Health
Maintaining your health is important when dealing with the stressors of divorce, especially from a narcissist. Be sure to include the basics: get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly. Conversely, drink less alcohol and stay away from drugs and drama. Also, remember that your narcissistic spouse will try to undermine your image during this process—maintain healthy lifestyle choices to avoid giving them more ammunition. If you have children, narcissists love to accuse the other parent of being an “alcoholic,” so be mindful of your drinking habits.
Protect Your Mental Health
If you haven’t already, find a good therapist and attend regular counseling sessions. This is good advice for any walk of life but is essential when divorcing a narcissist- a process that can make every day harder.
A therapist can give you space to think and lighten your emotional load through this tumultuous time. As a bonus, finding a therapist who has experience in dealing with narcissistic personality disorder can provide useful tips and insight to guide you toward more peace of mind.
Tip 4: Pick Your Battles
A narcissist will use every opportunity to exploit your weaknesses.
When you’ve spent days in and out with your spouse, they generally know what makes you tick. Unlike most spouses, a narcissist will keep a running tally of your weaknesses - what you’re not good at, what scares you, what upsets you, and every painful secret you’ve ever shared.
In a divorce, your narcissistic spouse will use all of this information as ammunition in negotiations. They may find the most opportune moments or try to catch you off guard as they mark where they can hurt you the most.
Pick Your Battles Early
Once you file for divorce, write down your top objectives and stick to them. Don’t get distracted by petty accusations or irrelevant issues. Keep your focus on the larger goal: ending the marriage on your terms.
Stick to Your Objectives
Don’t take the bait when your narcissistic spouse tries to provoke you. Ignoring their distractions will likely unsettle them more than retaliating. Narcissists thrive on drama—your goal should be a clean break.
Tip 5: Document Everything
Here’s an important rule of thumb for communicating while divorcing a narcissist: If you didn’t record it or put it in writing, they never said it.
A narcissist has no problem lying. They see the truth as a malleable commodity that can bend in accordance with their own narrative. This is the narcissist’s game- don’t play it. Try to limit your communication to email and text as much as possible, and don’t interact if you cannot document it.
When it’s time to go to court, your documents will expose their lies.
Use the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) Method
When communicating with a narcissist, it’s important to use the BIFF method. This method is a communication strategy that helps manage high-conflict situations. Keep your responses brief to limit manipulation, informative with only the necessary facts/information, friendly to reduce tension, and firm to establish clear boundaries. This method is useful in written communication, such as emails or texts, to allow you to stay in control, avoid escalation, and protect your emotional well-being.
Tip 6: Use Your Spouse’s Narcissism Against Them
Narcissists are obsessed with “winning.” The more you let them feel like they’re victorious, the more likely they are to settle without pushing for an all-out battle.
Give Them Some Wins
The desire to win, and boast about it, is a narcissist’s greatest weakness. If you strategize carefully, you can allow your narcissistic spouse to maneuver you into arguments where you “resist” and grudgingly concede. The more often your narcissistic spouse feels they’ve “won,” the more satisfied they will be with the outcome.
You never want to give away your top objectives. Give them the impression they are “winning” all the big battles and maintain the façade of their perceived dominance. Ultimately, you will coax into an easier divorce and concessions on what matters most to you.
Tip 7: Get a Formidable Divorce Attorney
The outcome of your divorce will have a lasting impact on your life moving forward. Therefore, choosing the right attorney is crucial. You don’t want the cheapest option, but you also need someone who understands narcissism and the tactics narcissists use during divorce.
Don’t Hire a ‘Pit Bull’
Narcissists thrive on conflict. A combative, drama-loving lawyer could drag out proceedings, escalating both the emotional cost and financial burden. You must resist the urge to hire a combative “pit bull” attorney.
Strong and Steady
Your best bet is an attorney who’s calm, experienced, and capable of handling high-conflict divorces. They should be familiar with narcissistic behaviors and have a strategy to counteract manipulation, delays, and dishonesty.
The Right Divorce Attorney Means Peace of Mind
Divorcing a narcissist can feel like an unrelenting battle. With the right approach and a skilled legal team, you can navigate this challenging process. At Robinson & Henry, we understand the complexities of divorcing someone with narcissistic traits. We know divorce is stressful and complex, so we work tirelessly to achieve the outcome you deserve, no matter how difficult the other spouse tries to make it. Call 303-688-0944 to begin your case assessment.
